The loneliest place I’ve ever been is behind a phone screen filled with messages from men looking solely for sex. It’s the “looking hot” or the “I’d do ya” shit that happens way more than a person should ever have to deal with. It’s not a place of flattery, compliments or happiness. It’s an area where I sit and question my value as a human. For the first time in my life, I’m happy in my own skin. I like how I look and I am confident in my shoes, even if they’re heels I can’t walk in! Yet, why am I being perceived as a sex toy? Is that the only aspect of myself that people deem as valuable?
I think the worst part about this is that my true self only wants to care deeply for someone. An intimate, genuine connection that entangles everything from physical, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects between two entities. To be there for someone. To help and support them through life’s roller coaster. To, dare I say it, love someone and really feel it. It is from this desire of finding a connection with someone that I have developed this nature of kindness. A kindness I give freely to others without expectations, other than the expectation that, one day, maybe someone will show me that same kindness.
But what is kindness? Kindness can be so small, yet so enormous - a text to see how their day is going, an invite to do something fun because you know that will make them happy, giving them space because you know they need it, finishing the fight because you don’t want them to fall asleep angry or telling them you’ll be away for a few days so they don’t worry. So the reverse of that kindness is the unkindness, whether intentional or otherwise - the text message that states ‘seen’ but no reply, the “I’ve got plans”, the “I’m not sure, I’m confused about everything right now”, the silent treatment, the mind games.
I worry that in time, I will stop being kind. I will start holding back for fear of being hurt by those who don’t see me as worthy of their time. I give kindness to everyone, and my return for it all - messages from assholes looking for sex.
The saddest part? In a time of self-isolation, social distancing and pandemic fears, when the world is making real efforts to maintain a flow of interconnectedness, more and more guys feel the need to point out to me about how sexually frustrated they are. I mean - thanks for sharing?! It’s moments like this that force me into spaces where I question my value as a person.
I can’t help but wonder - if I see myself as a person worthy of value, does that make me valuable? Or is it through the eyes of one-track minded people that prowl solely on the physical who decide my value? Honestly, I don’t know which one is more frightening!
When in doubt - be guided by Iron Man memes!
Until next time!
- Doey