Quarantine has its advantages: Wearing jammies all day, not having to get up unless you absolutely have to, no alarm clock. The joys of lecturing evening classes - I am 90% guaranteed to already be awake by 6pm!
But, like single life, it has its disadvantages too. The one that hits me most is learning to enjoy my own company, and truly enjoy it. It's hard to be satisfied being alone when you've spent so much of your twenties in long term relationships. It's through those experiences, I've learned more about who I am and what I want both for myself and in a future relationship. Yet, a part of me is absolutely terrified.
Terrified that I spend more time swiping Tinder than I do bettering myself. Terrified that if I don't put myself out there, I'll miss opportunities for love. Terrified to not try and just leave it up to fate. Terrified that I wasn't built to be alone. And that last one is the most frightening. I know humans are social beings, but is it possible to be so used to being in relationships, that it actually becomes a part of who you are? A biological need to feel at ease only when you have someone? Just like those who have been alone more than they have been in relationships. Does it become who they are? That when an opportunity to be with someone is cut short because really, they just want their own company?
I'd like to think over time I will learn to enjoy being on my own completely. Not feeling the need to talk to other people just to distract myself from myself. Because that's all I'm really doing. Filling a void of some sort so I don't have to face reality - The reality that I am all I have.
Growing up in an Irish culture, it's always seen as a joke if you have some confidence in yourself, and we grow to reject any expression of genuine self-love for fear of coming across as cocky or arrogant. But maybe that's what is needed. A little self-confidence. Learning to see that being alone is not a sign that no one cares for you, but a sign that those around you are not worth your time.
A tweak in my perspective and how I look at myself is all it takes. I'm in the process of undoing very old, dug in habits that each person has - mine being I like to please people. Yet, I need to learn to please myself. Be good to myself and stop self-sabotaging any potential for finding a real connection with someone because I assume I don't deserve it.
There's truth in knowing yourself and that truth can be scary. But I know now that I'd much rather understand who I really am and work through my shit than wait to project my baggage on someone else in order to avoid dealing with it. People can be a crutch and relationships can be the source of comfort.
I don't want comfort. I want to be wanted. As I said, this comes from the desire to please people. But that's not all I am. I need to see my want to please as a gift to give someone who is deserving of it, not as a tactic to feel less insecure about myself.
It's interesting the thoughts that whirl through your head when all you have is time, space and a keyboard. But I feel this journey, although certainly not without it's bumps and obstacles, is going to be the greatest adventure yet.
Until next time,
Chloe