One thing I've noticed from online dating is the majority of people, particularly in their late twenties, have some sort of interest in kinky fetish. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't open to certain types of kink or I at least try to understand that everyone has their own likes and dislikes, but that wasn't always the case...
I would have been just 17 and going through my first 'break-up', if you call 2 months a relationship, I wouldn't, but still, that's where my head was at. My 'Christian Grey' is not what you're thinking and our so-called 'Red Room' was an 18 year old guy's bedroom in his mam's house.
I was friends with the outcast group of school because I found their conversations a little more relaxed than the social clique. Because there's only so much "Oh, I love your hair!" *bitches about hair 2 minutes later* I could listen to.
Anyways, this guy was not in any way good looking, shorter than me but I liked him because I thought he was funny and personality has always been a key factor for me in any relationship. Honestly, I don't remember what happened but we ended up going on a cinema date once which was awkward and uncomfortable. Again, I was 17, socially awkward in general with zero experience with guys. I had the virgin vibes going on!
The second time we met when I was invited over to his house. At 17 you don't really think much of this other than "I wonder does he have a Sega Megadrive we can play?" When my mam dropped me up, I was so nervous because I didn't know where I was, how long I'd be there and I began to instantly regret ever going. I can only compare this stupidity to a horror movie when a girl is running super slowly through a dark woods in high heels screaming from the top of her lungs and making a show of herself in an attempt to get away from a murder. Because being quiet and hiding would be much less tactical...
Naive me entered the point of no return. The house was dark because of everything being made out of wood (no pun intended) so the vibes were just bad overall.
I sat on the bed and he began telling me OUT OF NOWHERE (I cannot emphasise there was literally no build up to this) about how he writes erotic novels. Well that's a great conversation starter! 17 year old me could only voice the words "Okay?.." as he continued and said "I'm gonna read you something I wrote. For you." Your head kind of switches to panic mode here. Am I being sacrificed for a cult and he's about to read a prayer to their deity? Oh, no, my mistake. It's just a cringy porn blurb written by a school boy in the hopes of getting himself laid. I think I prefer the cult version.
Genuinely, it makes my toes curl just thinking about him when he read out his fantasies and if I could quote what he said, I would. But I personally think I blocked out this experience except for one moment where he acted a scene out. Yes, acted a scene out. I'm telling you, toe curling cringe here. He read how he wanted to nibble my ear and then proceeded to do so.
Now, this can sound nice and romantic when you're with someone you:
1. Like
2. Are Attracted To
3. Don't Feel Queasy When Suggesting Such Things
So when he said that, my face was like a deer in headlights. My frozen body sat when he slobbered and spat all over my ear for what seemed like a year. At one point I wondered if I'd get an earache. They're zero craic. When I couldn't bare anymore spit, I quickly shoved him off and stood up. My great and heroic, independent woman moment took hold! But was quickly deflated when all I could say meekly was "Em, let's not do that...", wiping my forever scarred ear into my shoulder. I considered burning that top too. Ugh.
He didn't seem phased at all and decided "Hey, let me show you my box."
I wish I had of said something along the lines of the above. But nope. Quiet Doey just nodded and watched with eyes wide open, questioning my life existence as this guy pulled out his wooden box. The amount of wood references was clearly a joke at this stage. Too much wood for my liking. He put the box on the bed and stood beside me. He said "I keep these here so my parents don't find them..."
Visions of chopped up body parts or some sort of shrine to me flooded my brain. Anyone else getting serial killer feelings here? This would be a great moment to advise that you should always be nice to the potential local serial killer who knows your name, what you look like and where you live. It's just common courtesy...
He opened it and proudly showed me his nipple clamps, hand cuffs and a feather. That poor bird. I wondered what other animals he tortured. He then abruptly asked could he try them on me. Oh, God yeah, sure what else would I want other than metal pieces hanging off my nips. I guess there's fuck all on tele anyways!
In typical Doey fashion, without any tact, I laughed and said "Flip off!". (I didn't curse at this stage in my life, a simpler time!) So of course, he has the great idea of showing me what the nipple clamps look like on his own nipples. Because when a person states they don't want to try something kinky, of course it makes sense to do in on yourself for them to watch. How considerate!
It was in this moment I couldn't have felt more sick and creeped out. All I could think about was how the clamps looked like little metal crocodiles. Why? Because my mind works differently to most. In this situation, most people would have be worried about the future of this date, how to let him down gently and getting out ASAP. Me on the other hand? I see animals in man made objects to distract myself from reality.
But we're not out of the woods just yet folks!
This Christian Grey type pointed at his radiator and said "See that radiator?" I wanted to say no just so he wouldn't continue but I just stared instead at the wall. He proceeded to tell me about his love of hand cuffing himself, wanking with the nipple clamps on and finishing off all over himself for pleasure. Yeah sounds like serious bants there!
Seriously people!! Imagine your teen self in this situation waiting on your mammy to collect you because you don't like the way this strange guy plays policeman with weird body pinching crocodile shaped yokes.
Needless to say, when his mam came into the room just as he finished his chaaaaaarming conversation, he decided we better "mosey on up" to the sitting room. Direct quote. Didn't sound cool then. Doesn't sound cool now.
So we ended the romantic date (haw!) by sitting in separate chairs watching Two And A Half Men with me constantly looking out the window looking obviously uncomfortable. I know this because he kept asking me was I okay.
NO I AM NOT OKAY YOU JUST TOLD ME SOME REALLY WEIRD SHIT AND NOW WE'RE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN! I HATE TWO AND A HALF MEN!
Mam drove up and I can honestly say I ran out the door. He opened it and whoosh! I was gone, never to look back. He was in the year above me so I barely saw him in school and when I did, I meanly avoided all eye contact. But c'mon, how can you look a person in the eye after 2 'dates' where one date included a fun game of Make Doey Feel As Awkwardly Uncomfortable As Possible!
No stranger can make you feel comfortable enough to clamp your nipples, spit in your ear and read porn to you. It's just not romantic or sexy. Fair enough people are into that and that's cool, but this kind of stuff, in my experience is NOT second date material!
My advice? Simple:
Get to know someone, don't spit in their ear and avoid showing them your box on your second meeting.
Until my next eventful life share!
Doey