Among the many problems coronavirus has caused the world, the funnier, lighthearted side to it is how it has caused a very unfortunate sex drought. The lack of people meeting physically means a surge in the fanny flutters and dick wiggling but an increase in virtual connections being made through online dating apps like Tinder or Bumble. And the support that has come forward to help people during this dry knickers time is hilarious. Like Pornhub gifting us with free premium subscriptions - How kind. And better yet, you know shit is getting real when news outlets have to declare warnings against using hand sanitizer for particular... Hobbies.
But it's all fun and games until your phone no longer serves you random chats with strangers you find attractive. It becomes a dick pic generator. It's gotten to the point now where all I have to do is reply to a "hey how are you?" message from a guy I've literally just made contact with and it's clearly read by him like so:
"Nice, she wants my dick. I'm gonna show her it. I'm such a Casanova man, totes loving life."
Now, I'm no prude by any means whatsoever, and dick pics from guys I know for a while, have a laugh with and don't creep me out - By all means, hook a sista out and thou shall be rewarded! However, bar one guy, I seem to only have the attention span of one day for men before I've told them to kindly fuck off, ghosted them and disinfect my phone. And why is that? Because, with all the pent up sex juice clearly being absorbed by some individual's brains, it's resulted in very ridiculous conversations.
For example, let's take Michael - a guy I've messaged three times before Christmas and found to be fairly dull so I never met him in person and haven't to this day. But in Michael's head, it was a great idea to ask me to drive 2 hours to Dublin to meet him for some poking banter when the country began it's lockdown.
Fuckboy #1
Man of my dreams eh? Honestly, I understand people are dying for the ride, personally I really get it!! But if you're selfish enough to think your actions, particularly now, won't affect others, you're not the brightest spark in the sky are you?
Next up, Fuckboy #2. This guy I'm guessing could represent the general quarantined guy that I make contact with through a bored Tinder swipe. Spends his time video gaming, smoking weed and getting drunk. No harm, no foul. Sure look, tough are times and all that jazz. We had one conversation and chatted about such amazingly random stuff, from conspiracy theories to feminazis to everything inbetween. I thought "Great, someone who can hold a conversation that keeps me entertained." Nah, wrong. Totally, totally wrong. You know that moment when the man turns into a werewolf during the full moon? Well, when daylight comes, noon to be exact, the douchebag appears, dick in hand thinking he's unreal. Let's see, shall we?
Fuckboy #2
So for clarity, the whole "Sure I've nothing else to do" message was attached to a dick pic sent to me just before noon. To give context, we weren't messaging that day. But, of course, sex juice build up made this guy think:
"It's nearly noon. I think I'll hold my dick and send Doey a picture. She'll see what an upstanding citizen I am and that I'm spending time alone wisely to explore my passion of wanking all day. She'll love that. Yeah, she'll so love that..."
Reading those replies, some may think, ah, bit harsh, the chap was only having a lunchtime wank. Honestly, no problem with that. If anything, I'd imagine a lunchtime handshake with your trosuer snake would probably improve work ethic afterwards. And like I said, if you're someone I've chatted to for a few weeks and we have good banter, random messages of your dick are nearly expected! That or we have the kind of rappore that me sending a message such as "Hey, can I see your dick?" is completely normal.
But after one conversation and seeing how easy going I am doesn't mean whipping it out will make you seem more attractive to me. I value conversation, humour and a slagging match or two. Give me that for a few weeks and we can build up after that. But please, if I know you a day, your dick is not something I need fuzzing up my screen. "Fuzz" was chosen specifically because this guy was buuuuuuushy. Trim man, you've got time, don't let yourself go just because it's a pandemic ya know?
Says me, haven't washed my hair in days, wearing the same jammies since Monday and only change out of them when I have to teach on a webinar which I quickly get back into once I've clocked out. The craic lads.
And lastly, the ultimate fuckboy. A guy I've known since I was 20, have hooked up throughout the years and he currently has a girlfriend of 3 years to which he should be monogamous to but isn't:
Short and sweet. And as you can tell, no reply is a reply. I had a conversation with him about 2 weeks prior to this where he messaged to ask me "How are those lovely boobs of yours?" to which the majority of my responses were asking him was he either a) drunk or b) on drugs while also casually asking how his girlfriend who didn't deserve his bullshit was.
We're slowing adjusting to our new world bit by bit, but personally, I feel this pandemic has resulted in a Fuckboy Frenzy and now my phone is an object I roll my eyes at more than I do anything else. Maybe they'll get stuck and I won't have to read anymore of this shite. That'd be grand, wouldn't it? One can only hope.
Until next time!
Doey